Special Note: This post is a bit of a departure from my usual cheery writing, but it is a topic I felt was important to address. I’ll be back later today with some more Smart Food, Smart Fitness, and Smart Life posts!
Also, make sure you check out Tina’s bake sale, which benefits the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. My famous Savvy Scones are one of the items up for grabs, in a flavor of the winner’s choice, as are many other delicious-looking goodies!
I love Ithaca. I really, really do.
I love going to the Farmer’s Market, picking up fresh produce for the week, and sitting in the sun, enjoying brunch or lunch on the dock before heading home.
I love sharing garden space with our neighbors, growing my own vegetables in the summer and fall.
I love that the co-op makes it oh-so-easy to find natural, local foods.
I love that there are about 6 yoga studios within 0.75 miles of our apartment.
I love that I’ve been able to meet Emma and Mae.
I love the millions of restaurants in the area that offer fantastic vegan, vegetarian, and meat-containing dishes.
I love living in “wine country.”
I love being by waterfalls and lakes.
I love cycling in the area, despite the hills.
But after living here for almost 4 months, there is still something missing: I still haven’t made any close local friends.
I have Dan and love being with him, but I can’t rely on him alone for all my social interaction. He knows people from work and chorus, and I need to meet some people myself!
I can make friends in the healthy living blog community in a * snap. * We have so many interests that bring us together, and can read about each other’s daily lives as a means to get to know each other.
But in real life? In real life, I am shy with people I don’t know. Always have been.
When I was in school, this wasn’t really a problem. I’d get to know people through classes as we worked on problem sets together, and through student organizations.
Now that I’ve graduated, though, I don’t have these built-in opportunities to meet people. And since I am looking for freelance work, I work and job-search from home (and occasionally a coffee shop).
So these past few weeks, I’ve been feeling extremely lonely. I love interacting with my friends via Twitter, g-chat, emails and blogs, but I am craving some face-to-face time. And oddly, as I become more lonely, I also become more withdrawn from my family and friends. Make sense? No, not really, but that’s what’s been happening.
I have a few ideas on how to pull myself out of this rut when we get back from Italy. Other than the fact that going on a cycling tour through Italy will likely mean I’ll cheer up and make more (long-distance) friends via our tour group:
We plan on becoming members at the co-op, and I will hopefully be able to start volunteering there. Not only will it provide us with a discount on our groceries (woohoo!), but I’ll get to know the other volunteers. If we can fit it into our budget, I’m going to become a regular at one or two yoga or Pilates classes, thereby giving me a chance to befriend the other regulars. I will hopefully be able to hang out more with Emma, Mae, and other local bloggers. I’ve nearly convinced Dan to get a Savvy Puppy this fall/winter. Puppy will keep me company when I’m working from home, and hey, maybe I’ll meet some other dog owners at the park, right?
It isn’t much, but it’s a start.
{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
I can relate to what you’re saying. We’ve lived in our current community for 3.5 years now and other then the fact that I work here, I really don’t know anyone. We have friends that live in other communities within 30 – 60 mins but no one really close by to hang out with.
You should definitely be able to meet other liked minded people at yoga/pilates & co-op!
What an honest post! I can definitely relate to where you’re coming from. In college, I was surrounded by 10+ great friends 24/7. Of course, sometimes it was even a bit much, I miss that constant social interaction. Now that I’m living in Boston, I have my best friend and a few other close friends but that’s it. I long to meet new people and experience new things. After all, when you’re in school you’re constantly learning and making new friends with people you may have no otherwise. I think joining the Co-op is a great idea to get yourself out there. I myself find then when you do things you LOVE to do (whether it’s volunteering, joining a cooking class or becoming a member of a book club) you’ll meet great, inspiring people like yourself! Love your blog : )
Sweetie! I’m sorry to hear about your lonely struggle. I can absolutely relate. I feel like we’re at such an odd age where many old relationships are fading and new ones are about to crop up. The only problem, though, is that putting yourself out there to make new friends can be a really scary thing. I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing that makes me question my confidence more than trying to meet new people. It’s like, how do I go about it? Do I just go up to someone and say hi?? Are they going to think I’m weird?!
If it’s consolation, anyone would be *lucky* to have you as a friend (I know I am!
). And I absolutely think that you’re on the right track with the plans to volunteer and possibly become a regular at the yoga/pilates classes. Those are such great places to start because of the common interests you’ll have with others – I’m sure you’ll be able to strike up a conversation in no time! And when all else fails, you could invite people over for savvy dessert…I’m almost positive no one will turn down that invitation 
Good luck doll, and keep your head high! I have a feeling you’ve got some great new friendships waiting ahead
Aww, thank you dear!
I can totally relate. I moved to Baltimore 10 years ago and made several great friends, but most of them have since moved on to other places and the ones that remain are busy with their own families and lives. It wasn’t so bad when I had a boyfriend to occupy some of my time, but I’m recently single again and since I spend a lot of time working it’s difficult to meet new people and develop meaningful relationships. On top of that, like you, I tend to be shy when I first meet new people, and I’ve had less time to spend with my social networking friends which makes me feel even more disconnected. I’m working on it though. It takes time, but I’m sure we’ll both be able to develop some “real life” relationships with a little effort and some courage.
I can relate to this. We moved west, and while it’s been great for the family, we miss our friends so much! As you get older, it seems to be harder to make new friends. Oh, you make plenty of acquaintances, but you don’t seem to have the time to meet enough people to find the ones you really click with, unless you are very lucky.
Good luck with your search!
I’m still in the lonely phase of life in DC. I’ve met some really great people at school and feel lucky for that, but it’s just not the same as life was in Philly. I think that finding a place to volunteer is a great idea. I met some great people doing that in the past. It’s really hard to start a new life but the pieces will come together over time.
I think you’ll find that sooo many of us have the exact same problem. I don’t have many close friends who live locally, either. Most of the time, we hang out with my husband’s friends and their wives, which is great, but I need some girl time too.
I’ve met a few people through work, but not many. I totally know how you are feeling!
Aw, Julie…. I understand where you are right now. Like you, shortly after I graduated from college, I got married and moved to be with my husband. Unlike you… I moved back to my hometown … but a majority of the people I used to know & have relationships with had since moved away– and so I feel like I’m “back in square 1″ again. I am trying to view this as an opportunity for growth… that in having to try harder & be more resourceful than ever, I might be opening myself up for new possibilities & opportunities … but it’s hard!…. Definitely a transition I had not anticipated :-/
I think your ideas are really good ones though– and I agree with what Rachel said– if you commit yourself to activities that you are passionate about, you will find like minded people… and, more importantly, new friends
Oh Julie. I can totally related to your loneliness. The sad thing is that I’ve lived in Richmond for 3 years and have yet to meet a core group of friends. Isaac grew up here so he’s got friends but the one real girlfriend that I made ended up moving to the west coast last year. Of course, there are local bloggers to hang out with – which I love, but I am in the same boat with needing to meet more people.
I like that you have set clear goals as to how you will branch out and meet more people. I need to do the same! I will mention that I joined a bootcamp group for women through meetup.com and that helped but all the other meetups I attended (Vegetarian meetup and the raw foods meetup) the attendees were typically over 40. Not that that’s a bad thing – they’re just not in the same phase of life.
I hope that your loneliness subsides and you meet some great friends once your back!
Oh my I can so relate to this post!! I have lived here for 2 years now and I feel the same. I agree with the previous posts that I make more acquaintances than friends, and like you I feel I can’t just depend on my boyfriend to be my friend. I love your ideas though, I volunteered this year too to meet people and it has been great! It also helps to put yourself out there sometimes and tag along. Like my run group has brunch every Sunday and when I actually go with them I feel so included.
so relatable. clearly, from the comments everyone else is leaving too. i love you.
I highly recommend Meetup! There are lots of activities in your area and if you don’t see something you like, start it! I run a book club, am in a wine club and have a girls night out group. I have met some great friends through Meetup.
It is hard to be a transplant to an area!
I completely understand what you are going through! I moved to NYC with my husband so he could go to law school and have made….one friend. Yup. One. And she spends half the month in Boston. This city is so lonely. I have tried to make friends, but it’s so hard as an adult. I even tried going to a blogger meet up. I think maybe I’m too shy as well. Oh well- only two more years here and then we can move. Thank goodness!
I sometimes feel the same way too. The more lonely I am, the more withdrawn I become. It’s so weird that a reaction like that happens and it is hard to pull yourself out of it. Obviously, you would have no problem connecting with anyone as your inner kindness is apparent and shines through.
Isn’t that crazy? It seems so irrational and counterintuitive, but I withdraw more when I’m lonely too!
When I first moved to Boston, I didn’t know a soul, and spent my first summer re-reading Harry Potter (because I’m super cool). Eventually you make friends, but it definitely is harder! I know I had to break out of my shell and be more aggressive in the friend making efforts. It’s not like college or high school were you spend every day with the same people and become friends that way. You actually have to make an effort, and plan things even if you don’t really know the other people, which was initially hard for me. And, now they’re all moving away, and I’m gonna have to do it all over again…
I remember you playing tennis in High School–maybe join a community group that does that as well? Or, a community center probably has cheaper yoga/pilates. The co-op volunteering sounds great too! I recently joined a swim team again in hopes of making new friends so I won’t be all alone when my current friends move away for new jobs.
Not that you have to worry about this at all (lucky ducky, btw love your wedding pics), but if you think making new friends is hard, dating outside of college seems practically impossible!
Interaction is so vital and I’m sorry you’re dealing with lonely feelings. Have you ever heard of meetup.com? They have groups of similar interests you can search for your area and get involved in. From book clubs to running groups to cooking groups to writing groups. I would recommend that. It’s how I found the playgroup for me and my daughter to join and it has become a great outlet. I also love building relationships in my church. Those are my best friendships now!
You hit the nail on the head with this post. Ithaca is known to lack a substantial amount of young professionals. The population of professionals under 35 (not enrolled in one of the schools) is scarce. My husband and I moved to Ithaca two years ago (at age 24) and faced the same struggles you mentioned above. To make matters more difficult, I continued to work remotely for a company in another state. Working from home is an additional challenge. You don’t have co-workers to introduce you to new people. Here are a couple things I did to meet new people and feel less lonely:
- got a dog from the Tompkins County SPCA– great for keeping you company, encouraging you to do more hiking and getting you outside in the winter
- attended a variety of local networking meetings
- started a wine club with other young professionals (you should join)
- started competing in triathalons. Tris are a big deal in this area and you will meet alot of people
- joined a popular gym to meet people
- started volunteering for the local American Cancer Society Mardi Gras of the Fingerlakes. This year I am chairing the event and we could definitley use a volunteer like you on our planning commitee.
When you return from Italy, we should get together and I can introduce you to the few friends I have made here.
just email me.
Thank you SO MUCH for this comment. I’ll be emailing you ASAP
Hi Julie,
I have my 2-year anniversary coming up in November and I can completely relate to your feelings when I first got married. My husband is a social butterfly and couldn’t understand why I was having a hard time making friendships! First, women are wired differently! Men can get together over beer and sports and have an easy time talking. With women, there are usually a lot more emotions involved. I am just now comfortable with saying I have formed close friendships! Most of our friends we met at church. They are diverse, fun, and best of all, genuine. Thanks for the honesty; it sounds like you’re on the right track. Just be patient! Also, I should note that getting a pet (I have a cat) is a great idea! It helped me to have something to take care of and a little companion that needs me
I understand completely. When I moved to Vancouver I was leaving all my childhood friends and expecting to create the same level of friendship in my first week of university. It ended up taking men over two years before my friendships moved to a place where I felt they were on a similar level to what I had at home.
My advice is have patience and keep reaching out to people, it will happen, and before you know it you’ll have all kinds of new connections.
I have lived in the same town for my whole life and I felt the way you feel right now a few years ago. I found this website meetup.com . I went to a few meeting for different groups and it was fun to meet people who you knew were interested in meeting new friends also. You should give it a shot!
Ugh, preaching to the choir my friend!! I still live in the same town I went to school in but it seems being married means friends treat you WAY differently. Sometimes it’s good but most of the time it’s not. They don’t realize how much they are isolating me and it hurts a lot. I don’t blog about it because, obviously some of them read my blog. Something happened recently to really hurt my feelings and just made the isolation 1000 times worse.
It’s so hard! I know you’ll get there and meet new friends. Just know, with the way things are going for me, I’d much rather have 2 or 3 super close friends then 10 friends I barely get to talk to/see/etc. It’ll happen, especially once you feel settled. It takes time to feel that way though but it’ll happen. I’m here if you want to talk. <33
I can totally relate to this Julie! It can be really hard to meet friends after college and I’ve noticed myself become more shy and withdrawn as a result of that. When I do meet friends though I notice how much more I value their friendship and time with them, which is great.
You’ll meet people soon, I know you will. Hugs!
I can SO relate to this post. I’ve been living in Boston for 3 years now and still haven’t formed a group of tight-knit friends like I would have imagined. It’s soo hard to find relationships that we hold so dear– ones from high school or college. New relationships don’t have roots– and growing roots takes time and work. It’s harder to make friends top priority when we’re older since other priorities in others lives must come first–parters, work, kids, etc. But the work is worth the effort bc there’s nothing better than randomly stopping by your girlfriends house to get help with an outfit or watching a movie on the couch gossiping.
It’s hard starting fresh but your plan sounds really good. Hang in there!
I can relate to your post too. Been in Houston for 2 years, but I was sort of lucky that I knew people here before, and it’s a big city.
But for your problem, have you tried a young professionals or young adult group? We became involved in our Jewish Federation and there is a growing group of young people. What about the yoga studios you mentioned or cycling clubs nearby? I’ve made acquaintances at some classes but going more often or trying to see if someone wanted to get together another time could be a next step.
Also–I started a book club and poker club when I moved here with some acquaintances that turned into friends. Book club meets monthly and poker club is every other week, unless we can’t get it together.
I’ll be your gchat friend! I’m home during the day now too.
I’ve been looking for a young professionals/young adult group, but don’t know where to look for one. Lots of people have mentioned meetup.com, so I’m definitely going to check that out!
Gchat me anytime.
I feel the same way. This is my first year out of university and I really miss the social aspect of it. It’s definitely been a difficult adjustment for me!
julie — thanks for writing. i can definitely relate, and it’s comforting (in a sweet & lonely kind of way) to know that others are in the same place. we just moved from madison to berkeley, a place that ostensibly has many of the same trappings, but is missing all the people and emotional environments that make it home. =/ working from home probably compounds it for you, too — hang in there! volunteering and/or finding clubs and church or community groups sounds like it would do just what you hope…
You lived in Madison recently too?! Apparently, we just missed each other!
um, i think we had chem 115/116 together? =)
Omg, HI!! I didn’t make the connection that you were the Katie that I knew from 115/116! Yes, we definitely had Chem together.
Are you doing grad school or working in Berkeley?
i’m in medical school in the bay area — berkeley is a commuting compromise between my school and matt’s work.
it’s fun to follow along with your experiences in ithaca — upstate new york (specifically rochester) is an area we’re very likely to end up at someday. i wholeheartedly encourage you to blog freely about the upcoming fall and winter seasons, as i will be pining for some seasonal change in the lovely-but-consistent san francisco bay area. =)
Julie, I am going through the SAME thing here. What makes it even harder is living out in the suburbs where I feel a real disconnect to people my age and everything the city has to offer. I’ve given thought to volunteering and taking some community art classes if I can afford it this fall. I know it can be so ironic to have such a strong community of friends online and not have that same connection in your own world on the daily – I KNOW! But to look at the positive side of things, at least we have that. Can you imagine if we didn’t? Ahh, it’s almost too terrible to think about! Just take it one step, one day at a time. All you can do is give time, time! We’re all here for you! <3
Julie,
I moved home to Ohio from South Korea in 2006, but I ended up in my then-boyfriend’s hometown (Cincinnati), where I knew no one. Though today I happily call Cincinnati home, it was a tough transition for me. Gregarious and outgoing, I never had any trouble making friends–until I arrived in Cinci, where people stick with high-school and childhood friends more often than in any other place I’ve experienced. When the bf and I split, his friends–my only friends–were gone too. I joined a bookclub I found on craigslist, accepted almost every social invitation, and spent a lot of time wandering the city alone.
It took me a full two years to find the group I’ve settled into today, but as with any group of friends, it’s ever-evolving. Friendship is harder to find the older we get, but the good news is that I think that friendships are more permanent as we age, too.
Best of luck! You’ll get there. You’re such a wonderful woman–I’m sure you’ll find your niche soon.
I’m really envious of your trip through Italy. I’ve been there twice, but I’ve never considered biking the country.
Stepf
Julie-
First, how courageous that you put this out there. I live in Boston and struggle with this as well. Most of my peers have children. My husband and I do not. I have wonderful colleagues, but they are just that. My best friend moved away in January and I have been struggling ever since. Thank you for talking about this and thank all of those who responded. It’s comforting that others share this.
Susan
OMG. I’m not even kidding you that I was having this same conversation with Steve a few days ago. Since moving back to the states a few months ago, it has been hard to make friends too. Steve has his friends from work, and since I’m still doing the school thing I don’t! I’m going to start volunteering here soon, and hopefully get out with my tri group sometime soon for winter training. I’m hoping to meet some cool people that way.
Good luck! You know you always have a friend in Spokane!
Yup, I can relate to this too. And it is really strange that the lonelier I feel, the less I connect with people, even people I already know well. It’s comforting to know that others feel this way too. I think your ideas for tackling this are great. I’ve been thinking of volunteering for ages, but have never quite got round to it. Must get onto that. Thank you for a really thoughtful post.
Awe Julie, I felt the same sort of stuff when I moved to Madison last year. And I felt myself doing the same sort of thing – withdrawing from family and far-off friends – for the first few months. Part of it for me was that I felt like I wasn’t doing anything with my life and hated answer questions like “have you found a job?” and “have you made any friends?” when the answers were no. Then at my first job the people I worked with were horrible and I almost felt more isolated because I was surrounded by people at work and still lonely!
All my spare time was part of the reason I started blogging, and I really felt lucky to meet such cool bloggers that were in Madison like you and Holly. The other thing that helped me was joining a church and kind of forcing myself to sign up for volunteer and group activities within it (forcing because I’m really not that social and feel pretty uncomfortable in new groups).
I’m rooting for you to find some awesome friends over there though – not that you should need to win friends over, but if they don’t like you enough for your sweet personality they are bound to love your baking and cooking
.
Thank you posting this. Like many others have said, you are not alone.
We moved to our town 5 years ago; a great move for my family, but now that my kids are teenagers (one grown & gone) I’m kind of lost.
When they were younger there was so much to be involved with, but not so much anymore. I am lucky enough to have one really good friend, but she has 2 younger kids (4&6) and therefore she is in a whole other group of friends as well. They have tried to include me, but really, I have nothing in common with them.. they are all involved with play groups & PTAs & the like…
I find comfort in cooking, but frustration in weight gain and like you, the more lonely I become, the more withdrawn I am.. it doesn’t make sense.
I dragged myself to the gym today in the hopes of just being able to work out without dealing with acquaintances…. not that the acquaintances are bad, but I long for friends and at a certain point, the small talk gets old.
anyway, thank you for posting this…
and found your blog via the bruschetta in a jar, which I am making tomorrow
how rude of me to turn your post to all about me…….. I think that your ideas of what to try when you get back from your honeymoon are wonderful!! I like the idea of meet-up and that wine club that someone recommended for you… keep smiling
things will fall into place for you !
No, no thank you for sharing! Even though it is unfortunate that a lot of us are in this situation, it is good to find others who identify with you… we’re not alone and have support here!
I know this is going to sound a little strange but I think Ithaca is sort of a sad place. I love all the things you mentioned above but there is something about it that just makes me sort of sad. I know I’ve said this a million times but we REALLY should hang out sometime! We’re so close (geographically)! I’m walking some dogs I’m dog-sitting Monday and Tuesday if you’re interested in meeting me and some enthusiastic dogs that make everyone smile! Drop me an e-mail if you’re interested!
I think a lot of people go through that when they move some place completely new. I know I did when I moved to Tallahassee. I had a friend who was five hours away and everyone else was way farther north. I remember when my mom drove me to the airport the Sunday after Thanksgiving to return to FL, I was close to tears because I felt so lonely and didn’t want to go back. Unfortunately, it did take a while, but eventually things just sort of clicked, and I’m sure they will for you too.
i totally know how hard it is – i still feel like that in madison many days, even a year after moving back to my old college town! hang in there and know that these things take time – sounds like you are being active and searching things out, so keep on doin’ it girl!
lots of love from madtown,
holly
I can totally relate! I’ve moved from Pennsylvania to a little town in Southern Alberta, Canada, to be with my husband. While the move has been great for us for the most part, I don’t know a soul either… i was surprised by how many people above had posted the same type of thing, and at least I don’t feel so alone I guess, to know that I’m not the only one!
I definitely understand your struggles. I’ve been in Japan for over a year now with my husband, and I am JUST NOW starting to branch out and try to make some friends. I’m not naturally an incredibly friendly and outgoing person. I’m shy around people I don’t know well. It’s been tough.
But I’ve realized that being lonely is tough, too. So making friends is the better of the two.
thank you!!!!!!!!! for this post. It’s so “good” to know how many other young women have been through this… I was so lonely where I used to live that I quit my job and I’m moving across the world… I thought, if it wasn’t going to be good where it was, why not try something else! But so many of us are in this situation, that when I get to my new home, I’m definitely going to reach out to people!
I think loneliness can drive us to do crazy things as well. I did some very very stupid things because I was lonely (got involved with the wrong men) which made my life even more unbearable. thank you for your honesty. <3
I totally understand- I’ve lived in Canada for 2+ years now and don’t really have any close friends of my own. I’ve always been very close to my family, but they still live in the states and flights home are ridiculously expensive. Most of my friends here are from work or I know through my boyfriend. But I’m grateful for the opportunity to live here, have had some incredible experiences, and am looking forward to moving closer to home soon!
Hey there! I came across this post from Heather’s site (her Lonely series) and I know you posted this a while back, and I haven’t yet looked to see if you actually DID get a puppy or not, but I can tell you that if you do, a whole new world will open up! I recently adopted a puppy back in Oct ’10 and have met SO so SO many dog lovers/owners through her. In fact, I just created a blog (happytalesblog.com) to detail my new life with her a few days ago! I’m a little obsessed, but having a puppy is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself!
I just found your website by chance today! I wigged out with joy and then made the spicy pumpkin coffee syrup. While I’m sitting here working my way through a pot of decaf with that in it and waiting for the chickpea stew to finish and the man to come home I started browsing your sight…you live in Ithaca! ME TOO! I just moved here about 18 months ago (because my husband transferred here)! You still want more friends? We have so many things in common, except the bike thing -I’m scared.. Even though you’re young enough to be my daughter I promise not to “Mom” you. just email @ this address or we can arrange to meet up at the farmers market…..